Frailty

How much is a man’s worth? you might ask… I see from living in this world for 19 years that a man’s worth could easily be determined by his hopes, dreams and aspirations. A man is worth nothing when he gives up, he is degraded into ‘the random names’ who never gets mentioned and is forgotten after some time. A man of worth learns from his mistakes, turns every failure into a learning experience.. to strike back again with a swift and agressive blow. A man dwindles into nothing when he trembles upon the thought of fear.. fear of the things that should be fought head on.. fear of failures, fear of rejection, fear of defeat, fear of losing.. Our worth becomes nothing if we succumb to this fears. If we submit to fear, we submit to defeat.. then we are reduced to nothing.

Lately ive been hiding in the shadows of fear.. Slowly consuming me.. but I dont want to go back to being nothing again.. I dont want to be just a name.. I admit, my failures in INTROOS has gotten the best of me.. last week, I was so sick that I wanted to give up on our INTROOS reporting, the last hint of hope I have for a passing mark.. I dont know but something inside of me just told me not to.. I have been down days after my TECHPRE elevator pitch.. I had the support of the crowd, but I messed up because I thought that adding an audience participation ‘was cool’.. I felt like Dickie lost his confidence on our team and on our product.. I felt like retreating from entering the PESO competition.. I felt like I wasted my head start, owning even the products of –insert smart ass name here– which even the venture capitalists of Silicon Valley thinks is ‘really really cool’.. But then, ive thought.. At least I knew that ‘audience participation’ shouldnt be done.. at least ive messed up only the class elevator pitch.. The real competition is just about to start, its time to really show our worth.. Its time to prove to Dickie that WE HAVE NOT YET BEEN DEFEATED!..    

Human will is a great motivator to be something out of nothing.. I said to myself, if Euro Beat music gives me goosebumps of going fast with my very own car.. That is enough proof that I still want, and soon will obtain my own car. I have the backing of my dad, and his honda guy friend, mang larry. They both believe in my ECU tuning project and I will prove to them, that I will push the limit of an engine by tweaking its ECU.. The fear I had of messing up the ECU’s I tweak seems to have faded away.. Who cares!? Ive messed up my PC back then when I started tinkering with it.. but I learned where did I go wrong.. I just have to pay attention to the minor details to avoid failures.. I WILL MAKE THIS WORK!

Tomorrow is my INTROOS exam, Ive exerted effort into studying. I had the help of Ross and the dinosaur book back while I was studying at Starbucks a while ago.. I will do my best.. and make this count!

Its been 12 days since ive stopped smoking, thank God my body is not craving for it. Hope this continues, my girlfriend would be happy with this early birthday gift for her. Its been almost a month since my mom left for L.A… hope shes doing fine there too. Ive been accustomed to seeing my mom at home most of the time since she resigned from Intel.. I think having a house with one less member is something that I should get used to. Wish shes doing fine.

My friends, its not how many times you fall down.. but how fast you get up.

This is my 100th and last entry here in my Friendster account. You can find me back in my old blog, http://under-crisis.r8.org its not much.. YET.. im still experimenting with the new browser friendly layouts.. My old entries back from 2003 onwards shall be imported there too.

Again, I leave you with the quote from Coach Anzai "Dont give up until the end. Once you give up, the game is over."

1.) Being so pushed down by my score in a test - Yes, I got my INTROOS test results today and yeah, I failed again. My first test I got 37 i think over a hundred.. My 2nd test, I got 48 over a hundred. So that is 37+48 divided by 2 I have an average score of 42.5 or lets say 43/100 if the passing is 60, so 60-43=17 if lets say the finals has a weight equivalent to the departmentals.. 60+17=77. So basically I need around 77 in the finals to pass, excluding the report and the bonuses. But on my other simple but brutal computation 60-37=23, 60-48=12.. 23+12=35.. 60+35=95 goddamit do you see that.. I owe 35 points. The only hope im clining to is that i got a 97 in DASALGO back then, and if i DID it back then, im gonna DO it again. Ill trade all my other grades just to pass INTROOS. Dammit, ayoko na ma delay pa lalo.

2.) Doing a copy paste of the things i need to do in my Palm calendar - Yesterday I was supposed to do 2 things which apparently got carried over for today. The things I need to be done today looks like its going to be carried tomorrow beacause of my

3.) Chest pain - Grabe, I feel like the lechon is sinking in. Ive been living an unhealthy lifestyle for quite some time now and I guess all this stress in doing schoolwork is making everything worse.

4.) Things not going on as planned - Theres a major change in the shit im supposed to be working on but it hope Angel would bring more good news rather than bad news. So far regarding this, looks like im in a shithole. Well better than having no hole to camp into. Its just so damn frustrating. I keep on telling myself not to count the chickens until the eggs are hatched.. it seems like more eggs are cracked than I expected. Once everything is finalized and is on paper, then I guess that would make me more at ease.

5.) Transferring blogs - Since Friendster sucks because their blog doesnt support the flexibility of coding, id be moving back to my old blog after my 100th entry. Since i have to manually convert the time to GMT+8 because Friendster sucks.

6.) Broken laptop - Since the laptop is broken, and I am not productive using my home computers, I greatly feel that my productivity level is 0. I cant concentrate on the things that needs to be done and all that.

Seriously, i feel so pissed off, annoyed, angry, irritated, and pretty much messed up. Im also not feeling physically well, this minor cold is pissing me off.. The chest pain is annoying.. and i cant goddamn concentrate.

I guess ill be sleeping. I need to be by makati 11:30am tomorrow. Goddamit.

Nakakainis.

Recently, I think my life is spinning out of control. Things are de-railing out of schedule.. The equipments still hasnt arrived, well, due to a bigger problem. With that, I cant seem to start working on things that I should have worked on the last months. Things that I should be doing now but I cant, or probably wont.. Because im really not into working (real work or school work) at home.. and its been a long time since ive been productive in Starbucks with my (sister’s apparently) laptop.

Im missing my mom who is currently out of the country now, im missing the taste of alcohol which i just missed a while ago because apparently, I weighed my responsibilities and my productiveness and found out that I either went straight home or just stayed in school drinking my ass out. I miss my old friends from those worry-free days which I also miss. And maybe some part of me, having time for myself swimming, jogging at the park, pigging out eating pizza or just smoking my lungs out in Starbucks doing nothing save for listening to my old mp3 player.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Pogz is a hard working ass who thinks that theres more to life than those little things and working his ass out to buy his own car seems to be the priority. Dammit, the work hasnt arrived (or I havent started) yet and im calling myself workaholic. All these shit is driving me nuts. Oh, and I also miss going to Tagaytay just to eat at Leslies buy that Oreo shake thing at Mochablends and smoke at their rooftop. Gawwwd and I have to quit smoking by October nga pala since my girlfriend has imposed on me a deadline. Crap.

Whatta life.

Have you stopped and felt the wind in your face lately? Feeling its gentle breeze makes you dream about the past.. Where life was simple, where life was fun, where you dont have to worry about anything. I miss being a kid. I miss the transition to being an adolecent. I miss my younger days.

Soon faces will disappear from the university, famillar faces that ive shared a part of my life with. Damn idiots finally graduating. Haha. As the song goes, "Being grown up is isnt half as fun as growing up.. these are the best days of our lives.. " Yes, the best days of our lives indeed. Looking back at those memories shall be fun. Friends that i have made, friends that i have lost, friends that i will soon lose track of.. Yes, life is like that. I felt that the only thing that havent changed in my life is my fondness about technology. Takeshi donated an old celeron 300 box and Ive spent the whole night making it work. A few adjustments and a few parts replaced.. Its up and running.

Soon time though, id be laughing out loud remembering these times.. I know theres really no where to go but forward. Forward into better technology, more convenient lifestyle due to technology.. mr trekker said that theres already been a pc that uses 16gb flash technology as a hard disk.. Soon mechanical hard disk will slowly fade into the darkness as people find another better one..

Back then when I was a kid, I only here the word Flash from my mom. Since she was working with the Flash department of Intel Philippines back then.. That kind of technology was only available in high end cars such as Ford, as my mom would tell me.. Now, almost every teenager has a dangling flash disk on his or her neck.. or maybe in the pocket.

Yes, time flies so fast. Im turning 20 this November.. well, so much for being a teen. More responsibilities, more troubles, more problems. Ahh, youth.. enjoy it while you still can.. I miss playing with my lego and my toy soldiers..

I wish life was as simple as life back then. *sigh*

Things are a bit slowing down now.. INTROOS test over and i got to watch Wolf’s Rain.. some random anime i downloaded from BoxTorrents. Seems nice though kinda cool..

Will be resting this weekend very well. Enjoy the slowdown of things.. Ahh.. Next week ill be back to the same usual routine with a little toppings. Phun!

Ok, so everything is being ironed out for our new office for the work Angel gave us. Yes, shes our boss! Yay! Anyweiz, the office is gonna be in Alabang, near Honda and basically we will be setting up the server there. I was looking at datacenter provisions but my head started to hurt in getting the quotations and basically ended up getting the pedestal type server instead of the rackmounts.. If there was more time for planning we should have gotten rackmounts and setup our own datacabinet. Maybe, maybe at the other office..

Ill be utilizing the bandwidth there for the meantime.. Bwahahaha..

Moral lesson. Dont count the eggs til they are hatched.

But I cant help but feel excited when thinking about purchasing a honda civic EG. Damn.

Cmooooooooon! Work work work!

From this point on, things are going to go really fucking fast (it literally destroys your face.. haha) I wouldnt notice the time flying. My Palm is already quite filled with appointments, meetings, stuffs to finish, documents, proposals, and all that crap. Someone told me once, "We have so many great ideas, we’re expanding so fast that we dont have time to breathe." I think im already stepping into the industry even if i still havent graduated. Ideas will materialize, partnerships shall be formed, businesses shal arise.

Call me an entrepreneur, this not what I learned in TECHPRE but this is what fate dictates to me. I must be self supportive at the very least. You should reach for your dreams.. Aim high (pasay!) and never give up. I remember a friend telling be back then "You are a guy who will sky rocket into success in the future.." Hope that happens. But well, first things first.. I need to get back on those people I owe. Return the favor.

By the way, on the 100th blog entry, i shall be heading back to my old blog and will start trying to transfer all my 100 friendster entries there. (Yes with the correct time.. friendster clock is idiotic. I think they dont have the option for GMT offsets.)

Today, the left earpiece of my earphone stopped working. Its been months since I bought that and I guess its time to buy a new pair.

I really need to start earning myself money, or at least try saving. Im in dire need of a socket 478 processor for the PC id be assembling for the NCORE office. Anyone willing to donate? Gyah.. Ive been checking around and the cheapest i could find (2nd hand) is a 2.66 worth 3300.. Someone texted and told me hes selling a brand new 2.66 for 4500. Wish I had the dough.

Small things first. *sigh* my Palm wont be playing music for a while.

Oh and I have to buy myself a car.

Kaya yan.. kaya yan.. Ike ike Pogz-kun!

This afternoon while having a smoke in agno, Sir Bart came along and well had a little chat with me and Dane. Since Dane wasnt feeling too good about himself or the course of his life recently, he asked Sir Bart for an advice. I could say that it was one of the best things id be hearing this week, or probably this month.

"Bakit ang mga successful na tao successful? Dahil kaya nila!.. Bakit ang mga taong palpak pumapalpak? Kasi kaya nilang pumalpak.."

Everything is our choice.. As Sir Bart said, "kung gugustuhin mo talaga mag bago, nasasayo yan. Kahit sabihin man ng nanay mo, pero ayaw mo parin mag bago.. wala paring mangyayari. Kung minsan nga sarili nalang natin hindi pa natin masunod eh.. sila pa kaya?"

Its funny hearing Dane cheer himself on saying "Dahil kaya ko!" or "Because I can!" but come to think of it, everything boils down to human will. Human will is really a great factor. So reach for your dreams, its not your parents dream, its not your friends dream.. Its your dream! If you think you can, YOU CAN! Never give up! As i quote from Coach Anzai,  "Dont give up until the end. Once you give up, the game is over."

Lets work hard everybody! Good luck!

Im tired, I lack sleep but what the heck.. Its fun.. Ive been with Sir Kaloy interviewing people for NCORE, possibly people id be working with. Second is ive been hanging out with the Alabang people recently, since Bins is gonna quit is job its like a pre celebration or a celebration or whatever. Hindi ako ‘What-A-Friend’ tulad ni Mike! Haha! Anyweiz, im pretty much tired and currently im still doing papers, researches, stuff for FORMDEV and well, other school related stuff. Ive been drinking, smoking sleeping late, waking up early (for the interviews) basically I could see that id been killing myself. So people please dont get shock if i just collapse or something. I havent been eating right/on time recently and I dont know why. I feel so energetic with the hopes for NCORE’s success, more projects for PogzNet more ideas to push through with the higher ups.. A busy busy week/month I could say and my body is feeling the toll. Haha good luuuuuck.

Oh, my soft bed.. I wanna sleep.. Hoooooo..